Melancholy Morning Mutterings

From the moment I said I was going to Uni people have been coming up to me asking ‘How are you going to manage?’ Some People asked from a financial or intellectual point of view, others like my mother and my best friend asked knowing that my ability to feed myself and keep out of trouble is almost non existent.

But mostly people asked knowing that me and Alex my boyfriend of now 17 months would be going to separate Uni’s separated by a grand total of 186.2 miles of motorway.
I have to say I’ve been dreading it. Though Al and I have never seen each other every day, the public transport of Somerset and Devon being what it is. I had grown used to him fumbling up the science block stairs every morning Monday to Friday before college, bleary eyed and bushy haired, barely even conscious, but he was there at least.

I would like to think our relationship is strong and can withstand whatever Uni life will throw at us. But doubt is one thing that does not like to be quieted. Even my closest friends have doubted how we will fare. There’s always one thought going through peoples heads. ‘You’re not even sleeping with him’.

Why is it in this generation that the strength of your relationship is measured by how far you will go in bed? I am not saying I have never been tempted or that I have never made mistakes (I can’t even count them I tell you) but I live in the hope that it won’t matter yet I can’t count the nights staring up at my bedroom ceiling wondering when Alex is going to get bored and frustrated with my ‘religious ways’ and leave. Even though I know he cares for me in more ways than just physically.
The paranoia is chronic and condescending. I hate the way these feelings grate through me. Sex can ruin relationships even when it is not being had.

I know that sometimes Alex feels rejected by me. As he is not a religious man he does not always understand my reasons for not wishing to have sex until I am married but I live in hope that he can see past that and know that I do truly care about him.

I refuse to become the stereotypical bed hoping teenager. Sex is supposed to be a celebration of love between two people and not just some milestone to prove just how ‘in love’ you are to the rest of the world.
Though I am far from perfect I live in the hope that when I first ‘bed’ a man, it will be the man I love, my husband.

But I guess for now I will just have to grin and bear it through raging hormones and peer pressure and hope that Alex will come to understand that it is not because I don’t care or trust him that I won’t sleep with him, but that I care too much and don’t want to hurt him.

As for the distance, yes it is hard, but then it is hard even on friendships. (I personally cannot wait to see my best friend Kat again on the 18th of December). Thankfully Facebook, Msn and mobile phones make the distance a whole lot easier to deal with. But I look forward to seeing Al and all my friends very soon.

Roll on the holidays!!!!